Our sense of humor is most admirable about us Filipinos. We crack jokes when the going gets rough.
We laugh so as not to cry.
The political crisis precipitated by the Hello Garci tapes, where we all heard Gloria Arroyo and Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano conspire to thwart the will of the people in the 2004 elections, has sharpened our sense of humor and brought out stinging witticisms from many of us.
I have my favorite GMA jokes. Number one was inspired by Susan Roces impassioned speech rejecting Arroyo’s insincere “I am sorry.” Susan said, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw”. (A liar is a kin of the thief.)
The joke: Ipa-annul na nina GMA at Mike Arroyo ang kanilang kasal. Kasi magkapatid pala sila! (GMA and Mike
Arroyo will have their marriage annulled. They just found out they are brother and sister!)
The second favorite came from political analyst Billy Esposo when it was reported that Arroyo’s official visit to Saudi Arabia was cancelled last September. Malacañang’s lame explanation for the cancellation was the King was in the province and won’t be in Riyadh to receive Arroyo.
The joke: Ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit na-cancel ang official visit ni Arroyo sa Saudi ay dahil sa Saudi, ang sinungaling ay pinuputulan ng dila, ang magnanakaw at pinuputulan ng kamay, at ang masama ang balak at pinuputulan ng ulo. Kapag pumunta siya doon, wala ng matitira sa kanya. (The real reason why Arroyo’s trip to Saudi was cancelled was because in Saudi, they cut the tongue of liars, amputate the hands of thieves and behead those who have sinister plans. If she goes there, nothing will be left of her.)
My third favorite is “Heaven’s Clock” inspired by Arroyo’s countless lies.
The joke: A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man,
“Whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man.
“And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s clock?” asked the man. St Peter replied, “The Philippine President’s’ clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
I can’t resist including this one:
Babae: Lahat na Arroyo magnanakaw! (All Arroyos are thieves.)
Lalake: Ang sakit mo naman magsalita. (That hurts.)
Babae: Bakit Arroyo ka ba? (Why, are you an Arroyo?)
Lalaki: Di ah, magnanakaw ako! (Of course, not. I’m a thief!)
Do you also have your favorite GMA-Garci jokes?
(GMA surfing photo by Reuters)
Yes, without our sense of humor we would not have survived this far. Thank God we can still laugh at ourselves and be lighthearted. We crack jokes against Gloria and against ourselves as a people. Perhaps this is the only way that we can avoid “ang napipintong pagsabog.” But what happens when the laughter stops? WE can only hope that someone can stop it. Either we collectively as a people opt for peace and let it go or GMA makes the supreme sacrifice and go even if she says “You cannot find anyone as good as me.”
That’s why suicide rates among Filipinos in the Philippines is much, much lower than in Japan and in other more efficient and developed countries.
It’s an attribute that we should continue to nurture. Can you imagine a person who has no sense of humor?
Too much of anything is not good. Sometimes we are guilty of making even serious stuff as laughing matter. Here in Hong Kong for example, (because of shortage of males) a filipino guy would start his pickup line with jokes. Another problem regarding loans among friends also starts with a joke.
Joking, sense of humour, smiling face, hearty laughter are distinct characteristics of us pinoys. It helps when we’re dealing with difficulties.
Only in the Philippines:
– pag gumawa ka ng tama ikaw ay masama .. pag gumawa ka ng masama ikaw ay tama (mapo-promote ka pa …pweeee)
– pag ikaw ay kalaban (oposisyon) ikaw ay walang alam … pag ikaw ay kampi kay GMA/Ramos ikaw ay magaling(magnakaw..)
– sa Amerika pag ang opisyal ay napagbintangang gumawa ng kasalanan sila’y nagre-resign para panagutan … sa ating bayan pag ikaw ay isang opisyal at napagbintangang gumawa ng kasalanan sila’y tumatakas puntang Amerika
Kaya…pag-kayo walang pera … kampi na kayo kay GMA/Ramos para kayo ay masaya
I love a laugh like anyone. But Rosanna, to crow about our low suicide rates is to ignore the high rates of malnutrition, starvation and deprivation that can only temporarily be relieved by sometimes hollow laughter. Its a “gallows-type” of consuelo de bobo. DIASPORA has been the grim solution imposed on perhaps too many, not just humor. But keep them billions coming! We need it to build bridges to nowhere. Aray!
All of us has a book of acccount as what we have done on earth while we stll living, we call this, BOOKs OF LIFE. One is on the right and other on the left in which St. Peter in-charge.
Does the name of the couple who just climbed in Malacanang and never get out anymore could be found on both Books of Life?
Ganito pangyayari:
Gloria: unang lumapit kay San Pedro, pagkat siya ang nasa unahan nakapila, tinanong niya si San Pedro; Senior San
Pedro, Ako po ay si Gloria na pangulo ng Pilipinas.
San Pedro: Ikaw kamo!! Di ba ninakaw mo lang ang trono bilang Pangulo ng Pilipinas.
Gloria: Di ko po ninakaw ang trono. legal na hinalal.
San Pedro: Pero ayon dito sa monitoring record dalwang besis mo ninakaw ang Pagka-Pangulo. Una: co-conspiracy ng civil society, JDV, FVR, pinuno ng religious group tulad ni Cardinal Sin at ibang Obispo at Pari. Pangalawa: dagdag bawas katulong mo si Garcillano at ka-alyado mo congressmen.
Gloria: Hindi po!!
San Pedro: Ayon dito naka-hook up sa Hello Garci, boses mo, tama ba?
Gloria: EH..O. Opo!!
San Pedro: Talagang sinungaling ka at nagnanakaw. pangalan mo wala dito sa Book of life nasa kanang ko, kundi dito sa sa kaliwa na listahan ng mga nagnanakaw, criminal at ibang maka-kasalanan- Kay Lucifer kayo.
Gloria: Pero, Senior San Pedro, pala-simba naman ako. Kahit itanong mo kay Cardinal Sin at ibang Obispo ng Roman Catholic.
San Pedro: Isa kang hipocrita, tulad nila. Mga Obispo at pari nagbulagb-bulagan dahil milyong -milyong ang donasyon tinatanggap mula sa jueteng at korakot
Base in the Bible, Revelation 21:27 it say: ” But nothing that is difiled will enter teh city, nor anyone who does shameful things or tell lies. Only those whose name written in the Lamb’s book of living will enter the city”
Gloria Arroyo and her co-liars, cheater and thieves could not enter the great city- Kingdom of God.
I got the following joke from PCIJ’s Hello Garci joke book:
GMA to Garci: Hello Garci, Pasahan mo naman ako ng load, este, vote.
* * *
Q: What is GMA’s secret business in the last elections?
A: Pasa-vote.
Q:Why can’t GMA come out and say “I’m not the ‘ma’am’ in the tape?
A: She doesn’t want to lie!
Dear Ellen,
This is another joke about GMA-Garci which you would really enjoy. I heard this over a TV show for kids. Medyo dinagdagan ko na. It goes like this:
Place: Gate of Heaven, San Pedro was entertaining souls of newly-dead people.
Soul 1: Good morning po San Pedro. Andyan po ba name ko?
San Pedro: Good morning FPJ, ayon dito sa Aklat ng Buhay, me mga nagawa
kang mga kasalanan. Pero dahil maliliit lang naman, pwede ko na
ikaw papasukin, reward ko na sa iyo dahil mapagparaya ka.
GMA : Good morning po San Pedro, andyan po ba na me ko?
San Pedro : Binuklat ang aklat ng buhay, saka sinabing, “Wala ang pangalan
mo dito”
GMA : Baka po hindi mo lang nakita?……paki-check po ulit.
San Pedro : Iha, wala talaga, sorry.
Galit na galit si GMA, kinuha sa bulsa ang cellphone niya, nagpunta sa isang sulok saka tumawag:
GMA : Hello Garci!!, di sabi ko sa iyo ayusin mo ang record ko dito sa taas!!
Bakit wala name ko dito? Ha? Asan ka kamo?
Kasama ka ni Lucifer?
Garci: Opo, mam. Hinihintay ka rin po dito.
May i take this opportun ity to share with you a line from a song:
“Kalat na ang balita, may bagyong darating
Sino ang makakapigil sa daluyong ng kasaysayan”
Very nice, touching words isn’t it?……..”Mabuhay ang Pilipinas”
FLASH NEWS!!!
GMA kidnapped by terrorists demanding 500 million dollars as ransom within 72 hours or she will be set on fire.
Bunye at a press conference:
Due to our country’s present fiscal deficit any donations will be highly appreciated. We appeal to all patriotic Filipino’s worldwide to send donations to facilitate the release of our beloved president.
Donations received so far:
200 drums of gasoline.
Let us try this one :
SCENE : High School English Class
Teacher to Student : I want you to constuct two sentences using “misfortune” and “disaster.”
Student : I’m sorry M’am. I don’t know the meaning of
these two words.
Teacher : “Misfortune” is when bad luck affects one person. “Disaster” is used to describe bad luck affecting
an enormous number of people like a whole community or
nation.
Student : Well M’am, in that case here are my examples:
1) If GMA falls into the Pasig River, that is a misfortune.
2) If somebody jumps into the Pasig to save her that becomes
a disaster!
Ha!Ha! Ha!
We are being mean.
What do you think of the GMA surfing picture? Don’t you think it’s a joke?
I like the picture Ellen and the PR attempt to show a president unaffected by all the criticisms and jokes about her, her family and her government. Good job, but I did not know that she is that fat and for that she should fire her PR man. Its counter-productive and hurts the image of a serious president bent on her job of lifting up the country from the “pusali” where it is right now. I guess it is “pa-cute” time but she misses the point entirely.
According to Bunye Gloria has passed the worst crisis of her presidency and is now stronger than ever. CAN YOU BEAT THIS JOKE! I like to laugh but it hurts when I do.
tama nga ang kasabihan, a picture tells a thousand words. kung may delikadesa si gloria, inisip niya sana kung ano ang makukuhang kabutihan sa paglagay ng retrato niyang yan. imagine, almost all newspapers kahapon, yan ang nasa front page.
pati ba naman pag surf niya? lalo tuloy siyang nagmukhang suman. bansot na nga, ipinapangalandakan pa ang kanyang pagkapandak.
ibig sabihin, “o kayong mga kumakalaban sa akin, ma-take niyo ito, pasurf-surf lang ako, eh kayo?” nakakapika!
pero siguro mas mabuti kung dinagdagan pa rin ng picture ni mike arroyo na nagsu surf din, para may caption: the animal and the beast!
pathetic try, and for effort, i will give it 10. trying hard talaga.
I saw on TV Mike Arroyo fumbling. But I can’t get a copy of that picture.
This was told to me by my friend, a foreign news corespondent, who covered Gloria and Mike Arroyo’s first surfing show,two years ago:
While they were in the boat, Mike Arroyo threw up because it seemed that he ate a lot before that. My friend said the presidential security guards tried to help Mike while GMA did nothing.She did not bother to get near Mike nor comfort him. She looked pissed off that Mike made a mess of himself.
My friend was shocked by GMA’s attitude.
Oh well, I guess, Mike Arroyo learned his lesson and did not eat much before going on surfing this time. Actually, it was not surfing that he did – crawling.
SLOGAN OF FAMOUS RP PRESIDENTS:
Marcos – MABUHAY ANG PILIPINO!
Aquino – LABAN PILIPINO!
Ramos – SULONG PILIPINO!
Erap – CASINO PILIPINO!
Gloria – NALOKO KO ANG PILIPINO!
si eddie gil pikon! hehehe! kaya dumadayo at nanggugulo sa blog ni ate ellen!
TV news yesterday said Gloria went surfing again but did not allow photographers.BF, feedbacks like yours must have also reached her.
season’s greetings ellen,
thanks for your great compilation of gma jokes.what can i say,she’s really one hell of a kind.i guess jokes are guard’s smoke breaks while you’re being tortured.how long can this country take so much self inflicted punishment.when would we realise that being able to laugh it off is never a good thing.we oddly take pride treating our own despicable leaders with humour while other cultures
readily chop heads.sabi nga ni lito, “wat a kantri!…”
_ang kwatog
journalists sang carols around bonfire with PGMA. They were all happy.
happy new year everyone.
i like the surfing photo on the top. I didnn’t know that PGMA is not only a good leader but a good surfer too. Wow she’s amazing!
now that’s really funny eddie gil (rofl) way to go…more jokes from you please…
Gma, a good leader? That’s really a joke !
I believe GMA is not good leader .
Here are the 10 common sense of leadership:
1. True leader is excellent role model. Must be honest and truthful. Never considers kickbacks, cheating or fraud.Integrity is unquestionable.
2. True leader leads by having a vision- for better life, a better nation beyong the horizon.
3. Leader admits mistakes and does not blame the critics or oppositions. You must openly accept criticism for good governance.
4.True leader understands the concept of both positive and negative discipline.
5.Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.
6. True leader is sincere. No false pretenses. If a leader tells the people that she/he did a good job, then it must have been good. Insincerity destroys the credibility of leader. Always be sincere and warm. As what Ralph Waldo Emerson say: “Sincerity is the highest compliment you can pay.”
7. A leader should avoid arrogance. Don’t be caught up in the power and prestige of your position.
8.Leader must avoid conflicts of interest. Avoid special favors and preferential treatment. Honesty begets honesty, corruption begets corruption.
9.True leader, at all cost. Never lie to your people or anyone else.Mark Twain say: ” When a person cannot deceive himself/herself, the chances are against his/her being able to deceive other people.”
10.Good leader must have a good judgment, not “lapse of judgment” Reason and judgment are qualities of a leader.
Does Gloria Arroyo possess the qualities I narrated above?
Urgie F. from NYC – i think she possess what you’ve narrated albiet not full 100% but she does indeed.
Edi gil– Does GLoria Arroyo tell the whole truth about Hello Garci? About her governance..It’s transparency? How about the secret deal with the American lobby firm-Venable LLP? According to Fr. Joaquin Bernas, a constitutionalist, Gloria Arroyo committed treason for entering into this contract. There are so many anomalies in her administration, like Disodado Macapagal Blvd, most expensive boulevard on earth; fertilizer fund scam; north rail project; Phil. health card, etc…Why did she issue EO 464? To prevent her involvement in these anomalies uncovered.
Baka isa ka ring bulag na supporter ni Gloria… Nagbulag-bualgan lang sa katotohanan. As what the Bible say: MATTHEW 15:14 “.. If the blind leads the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.”
Gloria did not want light but she chose darkness. Again the Bible say: “.. Anyone who dose evil things hates the light and will not come to the light, becasue he/she does not want his/her evil deeds to be shown up.” It’s very clear, why she issued EO 464.
Mayroon isang pamilyang langgam, si Gloria, ina at may mataas na puwesto sa Antkantadia, si Mike ang asawa at si Mikee ang isa sa mga anak nila.
Isang araw inutusan ni Gloria ang dalawa na pumunta sa USA-tadia upang ayusin ang mga kaban kaban na nakurakot nila mula sa kaharian at kung akala nilang sapat na, siya ay magreretiro na at mamamahinga na.
Pumunta nga ang mag-ama at inayos lahat para hindi mabisto kung saan galing ang yaman at kung mag-uulan at bumagyo man may magagamit sila. Pero nagmamadali silang bumalik at sabi nila sa Mahal na Asawa’t Ina… Huwag ka munang mag-retiro kasi hindi pa sapat ang naipon natin, kulang pa. Ganyan kasipag talaga ang mga pamilyang langgan na yan kahit na idinudura na ang mga kapwa nilang langgam …. banat pa rin sila ng banat.
Kailan kaya tayo magkakaroon ng isang Presidente o mga opisyales na ang tinitignan ay kapakanan ng nakakarami at hindi pansarili? Para bang ang pagiging opisyal sa atin ay isang hakbang para sila yumaman at hindi para tumulong sa nakakarami. Sabi ni GMA “Yong mga opisyales na walang kasalanan, siya ang unang babato”, para niya na rin sinabi na lahat sila na naka-upo sa Gobyerno ay makasalanan. Diyos namin “HUWAG” niyo silang patawarin at talagang alam nila ang kanilang ginagawa.
Joketime!!!
Sa isang cabinet meeting at the height of the hello garci controversy:
GMA: kung sino man ang matamaan ng bolang ito ay siyang magresign. Okay?
Cabinet members: Okay po ma’am
Initsa ni GMA ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya.
GMA: O, praktis lang yon noh? Okay ulet.
Let’s not lose our sense of humor.